9 years from now.

So today I was thinking about how people get sidetracked when they get older. Sidetracked from perfect happiness. Because they get stuck working at a job that makes them furious just to pay the bills. And they get stuck in a relationship they hate because it easier to be in a relationship you hate than to change your life, right? And they get stuck a million other ways. And I think that might be one of the things that I am most afraid of- getting myself stuck so I am not only unhappy but I feel as though it is out of my ability to change my situation. So I thought I would write a letter to myself as an adult. Oh, wait, adulthood happened a year and a month ago, but lets be real, I won't be an adult until at least age 28. Yes, thats the age deadline I've decided to give myself. By that age I need to be acting semi-responsibly. Okay so here's my letter to 28 year old Chelsea...

First of all stop running around. Make yourself a cup of tea or something for God's sake and for five minutes out of the day : breathe. Sit down and take your time reading this.

1. If it sucks- don't do it. There is another way to do whatever it is that is so miserable. If its your job, unless you are suffering through a low level job and you are sure that this is going to be some sort of stepping stone to a better job- peace out. At nineteen you got paid 12.50 an hour to watch little kids and play on the beach all day. So if you are getting paid less than that now to do something shittier- stop that nonsense immediately. If its a guy that sucks- why are you still around? Your life is not a mario game, you don't have a few more lives waiting after you let this one crash and burn. You only have so many years in your life. So enjoy them all in glowable bliss. But on the other hand know that even good things are not good 100% of the time. Give problems time to work themselves out, and be patient. But make sure that every day you wake up with him, you are absolutely in love. And if THAT is not the case- then don't be waking up next to him any longer.

2. Act in a way every day that will allow you to lay down at the end of the night thinking that you are a kind, good person. Make sure that you don't hurt people. And if you do, apologize and fix what you can. But don't act selfishly. Yes, your happiness is important but you also need to be making other people happy.

3. Make sure you stay close to your family. You may not want to live in MC Maine but you know what? If you drift from them who knows how far you'll let yourself get before you realize you want to be close again. So just stay close. They will keep you grounded. And yes, you need it.

4. Go on another adventure. There is no way by age 28 that you have gone on enough adventures for your lifetime. So pack up and peace out. Go live somewhere else for a year. Go exploring and scuba diving and eating all around the world and write about all of it.

5. If you aren't writing its because you are either A) being a wuss about people reading your work or B) you aren't trying hard enough to be writing. So get your shit together. It will make you happier than anything else.

6. Don't write marriage off. Just wait long enough.

The Ex-Factor.

I want to know at what point in a relationship people change their inherent ability to be independent and suddenly NEED so much from another person.  In the absence of a significant other, everyone is just fine to live by themselves, to do their own thing, to rely on their family, friends, career... to live independently.  And then- they start dating someone.  And slowly they let that someone else into their world.  The stage of life that they are in usually determines just how fast the two worlds merge, but usually it happens at a slow rate.  Introductions to the family, meeting the best friends, spending lots of time at each other's home, eventually moving in together.  If its a relationship that is going to last, all these things happen- given time.   And slowly the two worlds become one.  The two groups of friends begin to hang out with each other, his friends become hers and vice versa.  The two families eventually socialize together.  And its one big happy family.  And then suddenly, neither the man nor woman is capable of existing independently anymore because they get so used to having someone else.  And they get so used to having someone else's world collapsed into their own.  I suppose that is why ending a relationship is quite so hard.  Its like two pieces of string all tied up in a million knots.  Before you can have two separate pieces of string again, you have to untangle each different knot and completely separate the two lives before the two can begin to live independently of each other again.  But does this mean that after ending a relationship with someone and finally getting your knots all untied and untangled that you can never be friends again?  I suppose its different for different people.  Different types of relationships etc.  But I think for me, its too hard to keep someone as one little connection in my life when they had been all wrapped up in it.

How to handle the ... healthy curiosity... ?

Every once in a while I babysit for two young kids, Eli and Emmy.  And most of the time I don't notice anything... especially unusual about the two of them.  They are normal elementary- school-aged children who like to race to the swing set and play dress-up and are still struggling to grasp the concept of "rock, paper, scissors" that I taught them recently.  But when it becomes bath time, everything seems to change.  And perhaps the main problem en-lies in the fact that these children ARE in elementary school and they are still bathing together.  I'm sure their parents see nothing wrong with it, for they have probably been bathing together for as long as they can remember.  

But at what age do you have to realize that a young boy growing up is going to be interested in what his sister has that he doesn't.  At first he won't understand why their bodies are different, but then he'll be fascinated by that fact.  And same goes for the girl.  Now, how do you separate fostering a healthy curiosity and knowledge about the human body from encouraging some sort of incestual interest?   And at elementary-school-age is it possible for it to be anything BUT a healthy curiosity?  And if it is then how in the world am I to handle it?  Talking to the mom about it is the most reasonable option.  But I can't even begin to imagine how that conversation would transpire.  

"Uhm, so I'm sure this is completely normal, but your children seem to have a fascination with each other's private parts...."

Yeah, that's not an awkward conversation to have or anything.  Yesterday I went with the very stern voice, "Guys, that is NOT appropriate" option.  But what if their mom doesn't want me to punish them for being curious?  Granted, I feel like it has moved past pure curiosity when Emmy is trying to "kiss Eli's peter to make it feel better."  HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS?  

...Yet another reason why nineteen year olds should not be given this much influence in the lives of children.  We just blatantly don't have the knowledge and resources available to know how to handle things like this.  I suppose I know what I have to do... I'm just dreading it.  Time to phone the mother and ask some advice.... 

Checklist for the next 80 years...

1. Live in a foreign country.
2. Speak Spanish fluently.
3. Cook delicious food.
4. Work in a winery.
5. Stay out until dawn in New York City.
6. Go to the Grand Canyon.
7. Pierce my nose.
8. Spend a week on a schooner.
9. Play violin beautifully.
10. Write a column for something nationally published.
11. Eat spaghetti, gelato, and drink wine in Italy.
12. Go on an art tour in Europe.
13. Become an excellent snowboarder.
14. Find out what religion I believe in.
15. Have children.
16. Fall madly, hopelessly, completely vulnerably in love.
17. Make awesome mugs.
18. Have a shelty collie pup.
19. Write, constantly.
20. Be active in politics.
21. Dance pointe.  
22. Get married to the only person in the world that I could love forever.
23. Run a marathon.
24. Bike through an entire state.
25. Buy a massively expensive pair of shoes and wear them until they fall apart.
26. Stay close with my sister.
27. Go to Ireland.
28. Model.
29. Learn how to bake from a pastry chef.
30. Do New Years Eve in NYC.
31. Get a scuba license.
32. Go rock climbing on a real cliff.
33. Get a really high end hair cut to see if its really that much nicer.
34. Have a professional massage outside.
35. Learn how to navigate a boat around the ocean in MCM by myself.
36. Work on a cruise ship.
37. Choreograph a dance and see it performed.
38. Help one person, in a big way.
39. Drive across country.  And actually navigate the thing myself.

Nanny Observations

Psychology majors make the best parents.  Or they must, right?  Because they would understand better than nearly anyone else what it takes to shape a person.  I'm a nanny.  For the next three months I am fully responsible for twin five year olds for nearly 9 hours a day, five days a week.  So, not a full time guardian of any sort.  But I am about to spend more time with these children than do their parents.  And I assume that means, that the things that I teach them and the way that I act with them will at least sort of shape how they will act.  (At least for the upcoming months.)  

I can still see that with the kids I nannied last summer.  The little girl, Sophia, was two last summer, and the little three year old that stands before me every once and a while says "aw, rats" and snaps her fingers.  A whole year later and she still copies my mannerisms.  If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.  Who ever thought that it was a good idea to let me influence their small children was absolutely crazy.  I'm not saying that I think I'm a bad person or bad influence, but shouldn't there be some sort of class that you go through before you unleash all of your unnoticed bad habits on impressionable 5 year olds?  

I've never dealt with kids that behave like these twins do.  And you know, maybe thats because I've never watched twins at any age before this.  Twins are a whole different animal than mere siblings.  They have had each other around since literally the time of birth, so they are each other's very best friend.  They understand each other better than anyone else on Earth will ever be able to.  But at the same time that means that at five years old Alex has the full ability to make Iselin cry and cry with just a few words.  He always knows just what needs to be said.  And she, she knows that given the proper amount of ignoring and isolation, Alex will whine and cry and hit her- full of rage.  But...despite the fact that Alex had to have two time outs today for hitting Iselin, and the fact that she broke into tears at least once, when left alone - with no audience to act for- they couldn't be happier to spend time with each other.  

I left them in their bedroom today while I went to the kitchen to cook some dinner.  And I went back upstairs and quietly opened the door.  It was so quiet I expected to find two sleeping children snuggled into their beds.  But then I spotted a flashlight beam shining through the sheet hanging over their bed, forming the wall of their newly constructed fort.  And I rounded the corner to find two little blonde heads, side by side, giggling over the book that they were reading.  Using a little metal flashlight to see.  Completely content in each other's company.  I was absolutely dumbfounded.  I couldn't believe that these were the same children that were fighting relentlessly only an hour before.  I have a feeling these kids are going to surprise me countless times before my summer with them is over.

socially, it sucks to be a girl.

I’ve noticed more and more as of late, just how much it sucks to be a girl.  At college, there are tons of parties on campus where there are no girls at all- just guys- chilling together, enjoying each other’s company, talking about sports, and girls and doing whatever.  But how often does that happen with girls?  VERY, VERY rarely.  The closest that girls get to that is blaring their music and dancing around the room while they are doing their makeup together to go out and SEE the boys.  

Truth of the matter is, girls are terrible at just being alone.  And this infuriates me to be honest.  Why should boys be the ones that are more independent and self reliant and HAPPY when they are by themselves?  I hate the fact that women are the more dependant ones- relying so heavily on men for amusement and happiness.  And I can already hear the complaints that people would balk to that statement.  But you know what?—when guys spend a night in with their boys they usually have a damn good time.  When girls spend a night in with just their girls- more often than not, its because they couldn’t find guys that they wanted to hang out with.  And they usually see it as a wasted night.  

So, I’ve been desperately thinking how one might go about changing this little social pattern that I have noticed.  And here’s what I’ve come up with.  Boys have many things in their lives that have nothing to do with girls, and they are happy to do those things.  Boys have activities that they can do with their boys that they don’t need (or want) girls around for.  Basketball game at the park?  Just the dudes.  Pick-up football?  Just the dudes.  Golfing?   Just the dudes.  Video games?  JUST THE DUDES.  See what I mean?  And then I tried to think of activities that girls do by themselves that they don’t need (or want) guys there for.  And the list I came up with was shockingly short.  Shopping?  For sure.  Yoga class?  I guess.  Scrapbooking afternoon?  Maybe...  And then I absolutely draw a blank.  

Now, look at how common the guys’ activities are.  Its stuff that they do on a regular basis.  The women’s things?  They are anything but common.  So what do we need to do to empower women, and help them to have more FUN in their lives without men?  We, as women, need to find activities that we can enjoy where we don’t want a single man present.  And we need to do those activities far more often.  Because really, that’s the only way to make women as independent socially as men already are.  And its the only way to make being a woman a bit more enjoyable.